Developing empathy – how to do it and when to practice it safely

Empathy is considered a desired “soft skill” that we want ourselves and our kids to have but have you ever thought about why it’s so important?

We somehow feel intuitively that empathy is a great quality but we’re not always sure what it does for us and how it leads us to be better people and have better lives.

People like others with empathy. Why? Because interacting with people that understand us makes us feel seen, heard and understood and those are good feelings.

Being seen and heard can be the first steps in getting out negative spaces that we find ourselves in and having someone there with us, even if it is a fleeting contact, gives us a sense of connection.

That sense of connection lets us know that we are not alone in the world and that it is not so strange to be feeling a little down on your luck from time to time because it is all part of being human.

From research, the benefits of empathy in our lives include:

·      Stronger communication

·      Better relationships

·      Better teamwork

·      Loyalty, productivity and engagement

Empathetic team-members in workplaces show improved relationships, which leads to higher functioning and more loyal groups and in turn, higher productivity and engagement with team leaders and colleagues.

Is too much empathy ever a bad thing?

I’m going to argue against the grain here. I do believe there are times where we need to keep our empathy in check and not let it run away with us. And I’ll tell you why.

On a recent Facebook community post in my local community, a person posted a picture of a homeless man taking a shower in a stranger’s front yard with their garden hose. It was a 40-degree day and the man was trying to cool down.

He had been resting in the park for most of the day, possibly because it had access to drinking water.

The man who made the post alerted people to “watch out” for the homeless man as he was behaving “weirdly” and “aggressively.” He also said that no doubt the man was down on his luck.

His post triggered a variety of reactions from the community. Some people praised the man for posting and said well-done on keeping the community alerted and safe.

Other people condemned the man for his insensitivity and asked whether he had offered the homeless man a drink of water or some cold fruit.

“No I didn’t,” the man replied, “but I will be sure to send him to your house.”

 The post triggered such a range of emotions and had me asking where the line is drawn, when you want to help badly, you see a person in need and feel compelled, from a sense of humanity to reach out, however, something else may be telling you not to, that it’s not safe, or that you don’t know that person and what difference could it make in their life anyway?

Essentially, where is the line drawn between offering compassion and instilling healthy boundaries?

In the Facebook group, there were a range of conflicting messages here between “please be careful because this homeless man is acting erratically and dangerously, versus, please have compassion for this man who could use some assistance.”

Helping the homeless is considered a noble action that is encouraged by most societies. Having empathy for people down on their luck is a good thing and if we truly see each other as brothers and sisters, as a united people, then we will help each other out when in need.

There are times when we need to know the difference between offering assistance that is helpful versus putting yourself at risk.

It is important to use your intuition and don’t rush in unless you have assessed the situation.

If it feels right to do so, offer whatever support seems right and natural to do so, particularly if you sense it will be received favourably. If the energy feels harsh or unsafe, protect yourself first.

Ways to develop empathy

For our children, teaching them the value of listening and hearing other people can transform the individuals that they grow up to be.

I often tell my students that wars could have been avoided, if leaders tapped into their inner sense of empathy, which is linked to humanity and the idea that we are all one species and our role is to help and uplift each other.  

Here are some ideas that you can do on your own or with your kids to develop a sense of empathy

·      Read stories and books that explore other people’s perspectives, particularly people who have experienced adversity

·      Get to know people you would not normally associate with

·      Sign up for some experiences that could benefit the community e.g. volunteering at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, a support hotline. making contact with people going through adverse situations or just needing some support does wonders for generating empathy

·      Practice the art of listening. Set the intention of not interrupting someone when they are speaking, give them space to respond and repeat back phrases that show you have understood them such as, “ it sounds as though that was a challenging experience for you or what lead you to go down that path?” Try to be as open and non-judgemental as possible.